How to Be More Confident (for Interviews, but also for Life)

Most people tend to lack confidence. Therefore, most job-hunters tend to lean toward sheepishness. It’s especially hard to feel confident when you’ve been laid off, unemployed for some time, and/or rejected from a job for the 100th time. The job search process is exhausting, interviewing is nerve-wracking. To put in all that effort and not get the job? It’s demoralizing. It’s no wonder our egos take a hit during the job search. Sometimes we even start to question our worth if we don’t get external validation from the job market. This is where you need to stop and reorient. Your worth and value are not and should not be dependent on what others (i.e., hiring managers, department heads, etc.) think of you—that is called other-esteem. This is deeper work here—to cultivate self-worth and self-esteem. We do these exercises with our clients to develop an “internal resume”. Most people don’t spend time developing an internal resume, but they should. As a society, we don't take time to account for our many personal successes and accomplishments, and it’s so important that we do. We are so much more than our professional accomplishments.

The Internal Resume Exercise

We usually have clients create these internal resumes in the notepad of their smartphones so that these lists are available and handy. First of all, we easily forget about these accomplishments, and reviewing our lists often helps us to integrate these facts into our psyche.

These exercises will help you to not only start thinking about your self-worth beyond the job market (and/or dating pool) and help you to develop a sense of self-esteem (rather than other- esteem which is based on what others think/feel). This will also help you to stop seeking approval from anyone other than yourself. There are always two parts to internal change—cognition (i.e., the thoughts we have) and behavior (i.e., the actions we take/behavioral manifestations of our cognitions). Change can happen from either route, but it is our experience that actions (i.e., allowing your behaviors to provide proof/evidence of your greatness) are the quickest and most powerful route to change (see Step 4, below).

1: Daily Affirmations for Self Worth

List 10 positive things about yourself you absolutely know to be true in a “You are...” format.

-You are a supportive and loving friend and supported by your friends and family
-You stand up for yourself and others with less power
-You are comfortable with independence but also know how to ask for help
-You are open-minded and non-judgmental

2: Identify What You Bring to the World

List 10 qualities about yourself that you and others value. Why do people want to be around you or in your life? Said another way, if you were sick in bed and couldn’t do much or had just been in a terrible accident, why might someone want to sit with you and chat or watch TV with you? What do you bring to this world? If you’re having trouble thinking about what you bring, think about your favorite qualities in others and how you can work to emulate those qualities yourself moving forward.

-Kind
-Compassionate
-Loving
-Smart
-Creative
-Open-minded
-Positive
-Curious
-Reliable
-Authentic

3: Acknowledge Your Personal Accomplishments

List 10 personal accomplishments you are most proud of in your life that don’t appear on a professional resume:

-You got two master-level degrees while working full-time, in 3 years
-You are 90% finished with a PhD
-You moved to Argentina alone for 3 months, took Spanish classes, and worked the whole time
-You have had several kind and mutually respectful partnerships
-You learned how to program in R

4: Behavioral Activation to Treat Yourself Well

List 10 actions you can do easily and often to care/treat yourself highly:
-Make myself a nourishing breakfast each morning
-Make my bed and keep my space clean and organized
-Take pride in my appearance (take a shower, wear clean clothes, comb hair, wear some makeup)
-Spend extra money on self-enrichment (drawing class, art supplies, gym classes)
-Care for self (attend doctor’s appointments, go to the dentist, etc.)

If these exercises are difficult for you, it’s ok! It just means you have a bit of work to do in raising your sense of self worth. You can get started by reducing the number in each exercise by thinking about 3-4, rather than 10 if that’s less overwhelming.