Negotiation is a conversation, not an argument

Some people are intimidated by salary negotiation because their perception is that they’re going into battle. Negotiation does not have to be hostile or to resemble a fight. A negotiation is a collaborative conversation where two sides are working together to find an outcome with which they are both comfortable.

Another common perception people have is that negotiation is uncomfortably confrontational and entitled. Negotiation is not about being demanding, entitled, or bossy. It’s asking for what you need to be comfortable and happy so that you can do your best at work and stay in the position long-term. It’s about asking for what you need, and seeing how you and your employer can work together to get your needs met.

What if they say “no”?

They might! But that’s ok. I often ask clients to envision the worst-case scenario when asking for a raise or in negotiating salary. Clients often tell me they fear being fired, looking bad, or having the job opportunity taken away from them. Most of these concerns are not viable—you cannot be fired or have an offer revoked just because you initiated a conversation about compensation. It doesn’t look bad, either. In fact, it’s expected. It makes you look like you: (a) know what you’re doing; (b) know your worth; and (c) are not afraid to advocate for yourself.

Even if the organization you’re negotiating with cannot afford to bump you up in terms of salary, they very well may be willing to negotiate other non-cash benefits (e.g., remote work; tuition remission; number of paid vacation days; childcare vouchers; subway fares; etc.). Ramit Sethi gives a great overview of how to negotiate salary when an employer says they can’t pay more.

If your employer says “no”, ask them to clarify, in writing, what you would need to do to earn the pay raise, promotion, etc. you’re seeking. This way, you will be assisting your employer in developing a step-by-step guide and timeline, with clear, achievable objectives laid out for you.

The briefcase technique

Ramit Sethi developed a the briefcase technique using preparation (i.e., data) to ask for a raise and/or to negotiate a salary. He advises clients to develop a proposal that shows you understand their business issues/problems you have identified and some ideas about you would solve them. Think of it as a pitch meeting—a pitch to hire you for the job or to keep you on at a higher rate.

Do the work to make it easy for them to say “yes”—create a Q1 and Q2 proposal for them, showing them exactly how you plan to make them more money, and allow them to edit/tweak it.

Most people go into a negotiation with no research or plan, and sheepishly ask for more without a rationale. That’s just not going to cut it. You need to prove your worth and show that you’re willing to go the extra mile, now and always.

Gender and negotiation

As per Sheryl Sandberg in her book, Lean In, there are (unfortunately) prescriptions for how people are expected to act, based on gender. This means that if a female-identified person chooses to go in with masculine, bulldog energy and tries to play hardball in a negotiation, it may be perceived as aggressive, rude, or unpleasant (coming from a woman). Meanwhile, when a male-identified person acts this way, it’s expected, and he may be perceived positively (e.g., as tough and intelligent).

While this gendered, prescriptive advice feels difficult to relay (and I feel a disappointment in society as I write it), the truth is, this is the reality of our society. Gender is a social construct that is strong and alive in society today, which means that people tend to have binary expectations about how others act, based on gender. It’s up to you to decide if you want to follow the gender script or not.

To play by the script for women, you will want to come from a place of collaboration, community, and what’s best for the organization, rather than anything from a place of self-interest.

Rules of negotiation

1. Whoever goes first, loses: studies have shown that whoever says the first number, usually “loses”. To get around this, when a prospective employer asks you what you’re looking for in terms of compensation, try to avoid answering and get them to show their cards first (e.g., “I’m still conducting some research—what range did you have in mind?”)

2. When you do disclose your compensation expectations, always speak in ranges that are based on research (e.g., “I’ve conducted some research and I’ve found that salary range for a position at this level tends to be somewhere between $100-150k)

3. Don’t take the first offer—that’s a lowball number because they are expecting you will negotiate up!

4. Get other offers and leverage them against each other

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